“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, distinguished visitors, and honored guests. We welcome all of you, and the thousands of media outlets covering this Historic Occasion, the first interview -ever- with someone not from our Planet. As you know, it was just nine days ago when the Advance Team from the Planet Poorfelllowio (our pronunciation of it anyway) arrived on Earth. Having met with all the leaders of every country via some extraordinarily advanced technical wizardry – one of their Team, Zxlyllophenepreper, has agreed to answer questions you may have. Mr. Zxlyllophenepreper- the floor is yours!”
“Ahem. Thank you, kind sir, for your offer of the floor, I shall treasure it always. For your convenience, I shall leave it here, in place, until the proceedings are over.”
The crowd was aghast, the Alien was going to take the floor?! Was this the first Intergalactic faux pas?
“That was a joke. I will not take the floor with me.”
The relief amongst the gathered throng was palpable. The laughter was as much out of relief, as for the joke itself.
“For the remainder of the interview, I would be greatly honored if you would just call me: “Bob.” It would make it much easier on you than to call me by my name, which your kind host tried so hard to pronounce correctly. Bob, in our language, has become rather a hip name. We have no similar word in our language, and already, half the team has named their…again language has provided a gulf to big to confront, but it would be safe to say: Bob, will be the name of a lot of pets, plants, and children in the near future. So, please, call me: Bob.”
“Okay, BOB.” Everyone laughed. As an unknown voice yelled out of the throng.
“Bob, have you eaten at McDonald’s yet?”
The Alien Smiled.
“No. I haven’t. On my planet we eat meat.”
“That was another joke.”
This time, the laughter was real.
“Bob, I know this sounds slightly intrusive, and I don’t wish to offend you, but do you have sex on your planet?”
The Alien actually laughed out loud.
“Of course. On what other planet would we have it? We just found your people’s existence nine days ago. That would be a little quick for sex. Don’t you think? Maybe we should date a while? Get to know each other first?”
Another stunned silence.
“That wasn’t a joke, by the way. One really shouldn’t just jump into bed with the first Alien they see. ” Said Bob.
The audience laughed until they couldn’t breath. The Alien smiled.
“Do you have Television on your Planet?”
“Oh, no. We are an educated race. We live our lives everyday, there is no reason to watch pretend reality.”
“Do you have pornography on your planet?”
Bob looked pensive,and for a second, it looked like he was going to ignore the question.
“No. We do not have porn. In fact, you may be the only race we have ever encountered that has what you call porn. We think it is because you watch to much TV , and live such sheltered lives, that you make sex partners into objects. We have people studying this already…and I must be honest, we aren’t sure how much to tell you about how we feel about this subject. ”
” Do you have murders?”
This time, Bob paused for a long, long, long, time, and a tear leaked out from under his eyes (Yes, a single tear, but multiple eyes. You have to see it to believe it.) When he spoke again, his voice trembled:
“No. We don’t. ”
“Why not? Are you some kind of liberal peace freaks?”
At that, several of the more liberal reporters started to shout at the right wing bigotry…until, Bob held up his hand:
“Please. Please stop right now. Even your bickering is almost enough to cause me to phase shift away. I am sorry, you don’t have the words again, but on our world, any non peaceful intent, whether physical, emotional, or social, would immediately cause us to phase shift away. There would be no one there to become…what is the word you have? Angry…yes, that is it, Angry. You must be very angry, and very weak to want to take the life force from someone. Like your porn, the rest of the known races, have no equivalent for this behavior. Murder…well, no we don’t murder anyone- ever. ”
“What about War?”
“What is with you people? Is violence all you care about?”
Bob stood unashamedly as more tears poured down his face. Even some of the reporters started to realize, Bob, was truly Alien to us.
“No! We care about God too! Some of us are Christians and dedicated to peace. Have you any Religion on your planet?”
At this, the Muslims, Catholics, Mormon’s, Jews, Buddhists, Mormons, Protestants of all kinds, and some fringe fundamentalists – broke out into several spats.
Bob called once again for quiet, and got it.
“We have no religions. I think your behavior just now showed why we don’t. ”
“So, you don’t have the Bible? You haven’t accepted Christ? How will you be saved?”
“Well, for one thing, we don’t die, we can be killed by accident, but we don’t die…and even were one of us to die…the life force can be absorbed by those who know how. It is hard to explain, and we have only been on your planet for nine of your days, but each of our beings is – for your purposes, eternal. Not only eternal, but in fact, each of us carries all moments of our life as a single now. It is one of the things we hope to eventually share with your people. I mean , after all, you gave us the Big Mac. We should give you something of equal value.”
Everyone laughed at this, and it took some of the sting out of what Bob had just said.
“How long are you going to stay on Earth?”
“As long as it takes.”