It was a year ago today that I first talked to the Banks about the houses,so we could downsize and started that long process. It was only three months before that, when I found out I was going to have to retire. Now, after spending almost an entire year finding out who I am, and how I got to be here…I find I am still thinking and changing.
I found out I wasn’t immune to stress. I found out I really don’t want to work again. I found out a lot about my past…and figured out most of it. I found that I wanted certain people in my life, and others, well, I wish them well. I have found a measure of peace that I never knew was possible, and I have become if not a simpleton, a very simple person. I have come to accept that I am old, but not that my life is over. LOL
I have few wants anymore, and even fewer needs. My challenges are child’s play – especially to the very real challenges I used to face just to work. LOL I still have a bit of travel left in me, mostly by car, and mostly within a few states. LOL I have some bridges to rebuild, if I can. If I can’t, well, I shall have to build a small temple to them that they can see from their side of the bridge. LOL
I have found much intellectual satisfaction. Not a driving need to know anymore, just a constant flow of some form of knowledge. My desire to “prove” myself to other people, or be validated by them, or even to need their approval, is gone. I am what I am. The ones who truly like, or love me, or both…well, they can handle that. I kinda have learned to like me. My days of impressing anyone with any skill, talent, or quality, I may have…are over. I am simply – me. An overweight, balding, white haired man, who had a heck of a life. And still does.
Yep. What a year. In two weeks, my birthday. I have one friend, whom I – in my rapid fire revelations about my own crooked mind thoughts- managed to alienate – I wrote a note begging forgiveness. If that isn’t answered on my birthday…the bridge won’t be burned from my side, but planted with flowers and small fountains, to make it a place of beauty, should they ever decide to cross over. There will be no guard, no gates, I shall leave the bridge open to cross whenever their time line allows. No one I care about, is ever shut out of my life.
I have lost the ability to like war in any way. Planes and ships that used to awe me, make me feel sorry for their necessity now. For crying out loud, I took my wife on our honeymoon to a Civil War Battlefield. Now, and for years now, I can’t step onto any battlefield , of any country, without feeling sad that we haven’t learned. On my recent trip, I went by all the major battlefields of our Civil War…and stopped at none. Not one. I had to stop my weekly updates of the Great War ( World War One) for the toll of human misery quickly overwhelmed me. I have even stopped reading three of my favorite Sci Fi authors…not because their writing has dropped off, but simply because I can’t deal with the violence, political intrigue, and deceit displayed in their award winning books.
TV, as you know, disgusts me most of the time. So, in just a year, I have separated myself from a lot of things of “meaning”, that are now, at least to me, meaningless. I wish the world to be full of love, of joy, of purpose and real achievement. I am almost a prototypical 1960′s love child, or hippy. LOL
Sans bus, and still take showers.
I know this was a long letter, but it has been a long year…but a quickly passing one too. Like almost everything us humans do, it seems like a contradiction, but isn’t. It seems yin and yang, are built into our very beings.
I am happy. I am alive. I am at peace. Just doing the best I can, to avoid being drawn back into the world I left behind.
Smiles to all, and even though I am turning 63, I have the body of a 62 year old. LOL