Thanks for all the wonderful birthday and anniversary wishes. I appreciate them all. 63 years old, with the body of a 62 year old. 34 years of marriage, without the heat of passion, but the fiery glow of companionship rages on. A weekend of just time with folks I love, who care, and a day all to my own specifications. It was…in a single word: delightful. I am loved, I get to love, and there were many comfortable moments, and even some quiet moments of reflection…with some real reflection. I am grateful for it all.
September, this September in particular, has been fascinating to me. Almost like I am an outside observer in my own life. Watching meaning, understanding, and discovery unfold almost every single day. I saw myself as I am, without anger or malice , discovering in the process that I like me just the way I am. I am finally in a position to let go of things, people, and events, that I thought would never leave me, or at least leave me with a suffering whole in my persona. That didn’t happen. If folks don’t want to be in my life, I have made it much easier for them to exit. LOL Both from memory, and from real life.
You know what? Looking back at all the things I could have done, or according to other people : “Should have done!” I almost forgot about all the things I have done. Not in a braggadocio way, but simply acknowledging this fact: I lived. I lived my life. My way, mostly. So what if I screwed up? I succeeded because of those screw ups. So what if I lost a girlfriend or lover along the way, it taught me how to love – and to forgive. I learned that sometimes fights aren’t worth fighting for. I learned , at other times, that sometimes hurt makes you grow. I learned that most of the folks who told me how to live my life, perhaps, should have spent that time on their lives. I listened to me, and messed up. I listened to me and moved up. I could have done better in some areas, and did way better in others. In short, I lived, learned, and loved…and am still growing. Wow. I learned that I can’t make people happy, but they can be happy to be around me. I learned that I am not the reason your life sucks, no matter who you are, or how hard you try and convince me.
If I did something to hurt you , in any way, and I apologized, its over for me now. I can’t undo a single thing I did. You know what? Nobody can. Nobody ever has. The best anyone can do, is get up, learn from it, move on, and try not to repeat the mistake. I dropped a lot of baggage in my life by doing the ShawShank parole hearing speech in my own head: “That boy is long gone. He died years ago. I wish I could have talked to him, with what I know now, but I can’t. If you think you are judging that boy, and not this man, you can all go to hell.”
Yes. That has been my September. And you can all go to Heaven!